The transition from not feeling worthy of a great relationship to deserving the best is a difficult one. Often times the “I’m not good enough” comes after a relationship ended. You look back at past relationships, start missing someone from your past, regretting mistakes you made, and imagining how it could have been if you had done things differently. If you were in a toxic relationship, you were probably told that you would never find anyone better. And, sadly, most people believe this.
Another reason for feeling that you’re not worthy is if you have never had a significant and lasting relationship. Either way, the transition can be a long process or a relatively short one. Much depends on your emotional health and maturity.
It isn’t until you start putting these thoughts in their rightful place…the past that you can start to move forward to a place where you recognize that you deserve to have an extraordinary relationship. It isn’t until you start seeing your worth that you start to recognize you deserve more from those around you.
For most of us, no one is harder on us than ourselves. We beat ourselves up and shame ourselves over our mistakes. We tear ourselves down for hurting those that we loved. We live in the sorrow of a lost relationship with the regret of not doing things differently. And, some of us beat ourselves up for not being as good at dating as others for fear that we are missing some magic formula or not knowing the right words to say. Dating and relationships are not as easy as they appear in movies or novels. We don’t have an author or script writer to give us the right words to say.
As the Tenth Avenue North song says; “You are more than the choices that you’ve made. You are more than the sum of your past mistakes. You are more than the problems you create.”
Your mistakes should be your greatest teachers! You have to learn from those mistakes, fix what you can in your life so you don’t repeat them. Forgive yourself and then move on. Learning to forgive yourself is one of the hardest lessons to learn. The sooner you recognize that everyone makes mistakes, the sooner you can learn to forgive yourself. There was only one perfect person and He died on a cross for you over 2000 years ago.
It takes emotional maturity to make significant changes in your life.
Part of being emotionally mature is to face our fears. We all have fears. Often one of our greatest fears is the fear to look inside ourselves because we’re afraid of what we will find. We may not like what we see!
Other times it’s external fears…the fear of being alone. Fear of rejection is a huge obstacle for many people…including me. The fear of hurting someone’s feelings can be incapacitating. We’ve all stayed in a relationship waaaay to long because we didn’t have the heart to hurt someone’s feelings. In the long run, the actions we took, or more precisely, our inactions cause more pain than just being straight up honest would have.
Part of making the transition happen more quickly is to be mature enough to look deeply into ourselves and acknowledge YOUR wants, needs and desires. Then, make the best decisions for you. Many times they are the hardest ones. It also means not only looking at what we did right, but more importantly what we did wrong in the relationship. Being able to recognize your contribution to any problem is a huge step in resolving future problems.
The sooner you accept that you cannot change the past and the sooner you correct your misguided thoughts (or limiting beliefs) and behaviors, the sooner you can move away from “I’m not worthy” and move toward “I deserve better than this”!
If you’re struggling and are looking for motivation, accountability, or if you need to learn key dating and relationship tips and techniques, I can help. Simply click on the link below which will take you to my website and you can explore some of the options available such as my book Dating Backward, workshops and classes, and personal coaching. Or, simply drop me a note and we can schedule some time to talk.
Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate. You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.